Anti-buckety

Some people have a bucket list, of things they’d like to do before they die.

I have a list of things I never thought I’d do, before I had a baby. Prior to having my own, I viewed children as little aliens, and motherhood as something strange that other people often seemed to do. I still do view children as little aliens to an extent, even my own, although now I have a better understanding of them than I did. I’m definitely not a ‘baby holder’ though, even now. I don’t get it. Why would I want to hold someone else’s newborn baby? All they do is wriggle and sleep usually. This is probably why I still also regard motherhood as something strange, even though its now me doing it.

Anyway, here’s my list:

1/ And I’m sure everyone thinks the same – I never thought I’d sniff someone else’s bottom to see if they’d done a poo. Yes, I’d seen other mums do it, but I considered it a crazy way to correctly inform yourself of current toileting status. Now I realise that, even though you may fill your nose with an offensive whiff, and appear fairly crazy to passing onlookers, it actually is far more quick and convenient than removing all clothing and pyhsically checking. (I have never, though, unlike some of my friends, decided to check by poking a finger into the nappy and seeing what colour it comes out. That just seems icky).
2/ Peer down someone’s pants for actual visual confirmation of the above…(particularly likely to occur recently, as the Wee Man will swear blind “NO POO, MUMMY’ but unless my nose deceives me its fairly likely he’s telling porkies.)
3/ Bribe my child to stop screaming whilst in the supermarket. Whilst I have been known on occasion to simply scream back in symphony, it does tend to be far more effective (and less stressful on the ears) to simply give in to his request for a slice of bread from the loaf we’ve just picked up. As bribes go, I don’t think a slice of bread is high on the list of those-most-frowned-upon.
4/ Discuss intimate bodily issues with near random strangers. I don’t really know most of the mummies I meet at the baby groups I’ve been taking Bubby D to – although hopefully I will come to know some of them better in time. But we still talk in detail about the state of our lady bits, without a second thought.
5/ Talk in ‘baby language’. Yes, I know I sound like an idiot and people stare at me in alarm on buses. No, I don’t care.
6/ Get hugely excited about poo. For Bubby D, its the fact that she HAS pooed, as she has a habit of not doing so for a few days sometimes. For the Wee Man recently, it was the poo in his potty. And of course we did triumphantly carry it around the house and show it to the Other Half and Grandma too 🙂
7/ Not take off clothes that have been puked on right away. Usually this is because I haven’t had time to do the washing and so any replacement clothes probably have puke or poo on them too anyway.
8/ Go out in my pyjamas. Slip a long coat over them, and no-one will know!
9/ Take the baby/toddler out in their pyjamas. Without even adding a coat.
9/ Pick someone elses nose. I draw the line at flicking it or eating it though.

No doubt as the little ones grow older, the list will grow longer. With the potty training in full swing and Bubby D still to go through the weaning, walking and talking stages I’m sure there will be far more potentially shame related incidents to convey in the future…