On permanent strike – breastfeeding and emotions

‘Have a babymoon’…‘spend some time snuggling with the milk on offer, but not forcing it’…’try having a bath together’…’keep on offering and one day she’ll just go for it’…these are all suggestions I’ve been given to help encourage Bubby D back to breastfeeding*. (and if you’re wondering why I’m doing that, then take a look at my previous post about the end of a breastfeeding journey).

They all seem like very sensible suggestions to me, but unfortunately Bubby D doesn’t seem to see the merit of them. While I sit around baring my chest, with boobs (uncomfortably) full and ready for action, she gaily marches around squealing, inserting plastic pieces into her plastic pig, and rearing away in disgust should her face get even remotely near my offending frontal area.

It’s upsetting from the point of view that I thought we’d be experiencing a breastfeeding relationship for a lot longer, but it’s also affected me in another way that I hadn’t thought about before – the loss of a bond.

There is lots of talk about how breastfeeding can be a great way to bond with your newborn; spending some quiet mother and baby time getting to know each other, and experiencing the magical feeling that comes with knowing your body is providing the source of your baby growing and thriving. But not so much is said about the process coming out the other end.

And I feel like I’ve lost that bond. I look at Bubby D sometimes and it feels like she’s not my baby. I don’t recognise this squirming, squealing, grown up looking little girl with her cheeky smile and her interest in everything (especially anything messy or dangerous) and I feel like I don’t know how to interact with her any more, either. I know she’s getting older, and our relationship will mature and grow just like she is, but at the moment it feels like my baby is lost to me and I’m not sure how to deal with this little girl in her place who doesn’t seem to want her Mummy any more. The emotional aspect of it all has hit me much harder than I thought it would, and I find myself on the verge of tears quite often over silly things that previously would not have affected me at all.

I’m carrying on pumping, and the freezer stock of milk is growing as I can’t bring myself to just pour it away, but realistically our freezer is only so big, and I suppose I can only go on trying for so long.

So should I just call it a day? Is this a permanent end to our journey? I’m not really sure how long I can keep trying as the longer I do, the worse I feel and the more unlikely it seems that Bubby D will ever want to feed again, but at the same time I’m not sure I’m ready to give up knowing that she still wants to feed, she’s just scared of doing it.

*cover myself in chocolate spread, that’s the one option I’ve not tried yet and am seriously considering…