The end of a breastfeeding journey?

When people talk about ending breastfeeding, its normally for a considered reason. Either the child has self-weaned and decided that they don’t want to breastfeed any longer, or the mother – for one reason or another – has concluded that it is time to stop breastfeeding and helps her child to wean.

I am happy for Bubby D to decide when she wishes to stop, but I – and she – have currently had that decision taken out of our hands. And it’s all because of some mouth ulcers.

Three days ago, with Bubby D being grizzly and unhappy, I did what I normally do and snuggled in bed with her for a soothing feeding session. Except, after one suck she started writhing and wailing….so we tried again, and again, the writhing and wailing occurred.

Three days later and she still refuses to feed. Sometimes, her hand absentmindedly wanders to my chest, and she flexes her fingers in her ‘hurry up milk!’ sign, before realising what she is doing and rearing away from me in case I try to latch her on.

I feel bereft.

I feel I’m a failure.

I hate knowing she is in pain, and not knowing what I can do about it.

Breastfeeding for me is not just a way to feed my baby. Its how we enjoy some quiet time together, reflecting on the beginning and end of the day. It’s how I soothe her when she’s feeling bad, and enjoy her cheeky little looks and grabbing hands when she’s feeling playful. Its something that, after weeks of determination to get it going, I kind of took for granted. And now suddenly it’s gone.

Some people have told me, well, its probably about time she stopped anyway. I don’t agree, and I don’t think but for the pain she is in, Bubby D would agree either. So I’m continuing to pump, continuing to hope, and fingers crossed once the mouth ulcers disappear and my happy little Bubby D is back again we can enjoy some more wonderful feeding moments together again.