The 2017 All New IMPROVED Anti-Bucket List – things we definitely don’t want to do this year

So this is the third year we’ve had an anti-bucket list, I think.

Much like the previous two years, there are plans afoot in the recesses of my kitchen, mince pies are calling to me and leftover double cream haunts my dreams. It’s tempting to be able to totally blame not fitting into my clothes on hyperthyroidism, but I’m pretty sure the Christmas binge fest has also had a hand in it.

And we are only a week into glorious 2017 (I’m being positive here).

Resolutions are stupid (more posiitivity) because I like mince pies too much, so instead. we have come up with a really really positive list of things we would very much like to avoid this year.

So here they are:

1. Things hiding in the loft.

Yes, I don’t need to buy new larger clothes actually. Because there are probably six bags of assorted clothes from the last decade sitting around having a party in the loft. HOW DARE YOU PARTY WITHOUT ME. Loft hoarding is to be avoided. Loft chaos is to be avoided. Ideally, going in the loft is to be avoided since it’s freezing, I can’t find any torches, and the ladder is kind of worryingly wonky. Basically, we want to avoid chucking random stuff in the loft because we have no idea what to do with it.

2. Living in a shithole.

Since we are avoiding hiding things in the loft, that means things will inevitably try and hide in plain sight, everywhere else in the house. Avoiding this probably requires time, ruthlessness and a lack of stuff – all of which are difficult to come by right now but… maybe it will all work out. And at least if I could avoid treading on lego / marbles / leftover banana / potty training accidents that would be a good start.

3. Slavery.

Our kids think we are slaves. The two year old has started backchatting. The seven year old claims ‘I can’t put my pants away because I don’t know where my pants drawer is’. Even the cats bite my feet in the night if they believe I should get up and feed them. Small people and cats – I have news for you. We are NOT your slaves (well ok, maybe we are in the case of the cats, but that’s why you have cats isn’t it?). Chores lists are coming. And no, that does not make the kids our slaves. Because we are paying them (a bit). So there.

4. The Zombie Apocalypse.

I say this every year, but since it hasn’t happened it’s still on the list. I have thought about it a lot over the last year, and I’m of two minds what I would do if it actually happens. I think it probably depends on the type of zombieism, and the speed of the zombies. In all likelihood it wouldn’t matter because lets face it, I’m crap at running and our house would be hard to fortify. So… avoidance completely is best.

5. The Robot Uprising.

A new addition to the list this year, but possibly more likely than the Zombie Apocalypse. It might sound weird, given that our house is increasingly becoming automated (and the general theme of my blog!), but I am a bit worried about all this reliance on technology. Yeah it’s very handy to have, and it does make many things easier – but, sitting in the one minute blackout we experienced earlier this week (where I realised that we have no torches in sensible places AT ALL – the most basic of technological things, see also point 1 above) I did ponder how our kids would fare if electricity vanished for a while. And it wasn’t on purpose, like when we went camping. Is it really a good idea to let technology control our lives? Robots, I like you but I don’t like you taking over the world.

6. Unexpected kittens.

Whilst it was very interesting watching my cat grow to the size of a small watermelon last year – ¬†and then give birth to four tiny kitties – it is not an experience I wish to repeat. We have exhausted our supply of friends and family who want kittens. And it was also quite worrying waiting for her to have the damn things, which of course occurred when the Other Half was in America so I was on my own panicking and hoping she didn’t explode or anything. So NO MORE CATS. ALL CATS ARE TO BE AVOIDED. Apart from the ones we already have, obviously.

7. Chronic illnesses.

Well, any illnesses really but chronic ones in particular. Obvious why.

8. Ending the year with less money than we started it with.

Despite needing a new bathroom and a back door overhaul. With my positivity hat on, THIS CAN BE DONE. IT CAN. OH YES IT CAN (I just keep telling myself this).

9. Shouting.

Well, some shouting is allowed but only for a) averting danger b) expressing encouragement at things such as sports days c) internet shouting for emphasis (see above). And maybe occasionally as a treat, for communicating with people downstairs when we really can’t be arsed to get out of bed. But otherwise, NO SHOUTING.

10. Leaving the fish tank lid behind the bookshelves for another year.

The water keeps evaporating / cats keep drinking all the water (and trying to fish whilst they’re at it). The bookshelves are a pain in the ass to move but really, it wouldn’t be that hard to retrieve the lid. I think the fish would thank us for it too.

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