Milo. The death of a pet – how do you tell the kids?

Last week, we had to say goodbye to a well loved member of the family.

Granted, she drove me mad at times. She’d been ill since practically the day we got her – a tiny kitten so small she could fit in the palm of my hand. The vet was amazed she pulled through. But she did, and she survived and grew up alongside the Wee Man, creating havoc and causing many an enraged shout of ‘MILO!’ as she tried to snatch food, left us little ‘presents’ on the floor or had fights with other cats at 5am.

But just recently she really hadn’t been well. She lost weight, her fur (which was shaved for investigative tests) didn’t grow back for a few months and she wasn’t eating properly. People kept handing her in to the vets, who pretty much had our number on speed dial; and eventually the RSPCA took her in a couple of weekends ago and left us a letter saying they suspected us of animal abuse!

Obviously we had been caring for her (which they realised after they had spoken to the vet) but after that happened, it was discussed and agreed that the time had come to end her life, which was slowly coming to an end in any case. She had barely any liver function, enlarged kidneys and was anaemic – and although she seemed happy enough in herself she was slowly dying.

So that was the adult decision made. But how to tell the kids?

The Wee Man in particular has always had a special bond with Milo as they grew up together – they were exactly the same age. She may have been a bit of a ‘lemon’ as the Other Half put it, but she was our lemon. And the kids loved her.

I thought about it. I didn’t want to lie – glossing over the facts now is only likely to cause confusion later (although, saying that it was only recently that I realised that our family dog when I was a child myself did not, in fact, go to a lovely farm for dogs called Windermere, for a very long term holiday – well done Mum!).

I also didn’t want to cause any concern with phrases like ‘put to sleep’ – we get little enough sleep as it is without the kids becoming scared of it; or ‘body isn’t working very well’ because with EDS that’s often something that gets said about me and I’m certainly not anywhere close to dying I hope!

In the end, we decided to get a book about it, read it and then discuss how that applies to us and Milo. We also decided to just very frankly talk about dying and death, and avoid the use of euphamisms. And we also decided to offer the kids the chance to see Milo once she was dead too so that they could realise for themselves that her Milo-ness had gone even though her body was still there.

So we got ‘Goodbye Mog’, and we read it with the Wee Man an hour before we were due at the vet. He enjoyed the story and he looked a bit bemused by me crying – and then he said ‘but it’s not real life, is it?’.

‘I’m sorry Wee Man’ I said ‘but it is real life. Milo is going to die’.

He gave me a big smile, a disbelieving smile, and then it wobbled and he realised that I actually meant it. And then the questions started. Why was she going to die? How did we know? How did it happen? Would Milo still be able to see us even though we can’t see her?

And when we got to the vet, it actually went a lot better than I’d anticipated. He was curious rather than upset, and he decided he did want to see her. So we let him go in once it was all over – and he was amazed that she wasn’t bones already! It turns out he thought that when you die you immediately become a skeleton. So that meant more questions and more difficult answers.

We came home, and the questions went on but we gradually steered the conversation towards remembering happy times and funny things Milo had done; and eventually all the kids went to bed without being too upset.

It was a hard time for us, and of course everyone deals with it differently, but for anyone else who has deal with a pet dying, here are some things to bear in mind:

1. Putting a pet down is a bit different to unexpected or unplanned death. It’s worth thinking about when to broach the subject with children – as an adult it’s hard enough dealing with ‘the countdown’ and it’s even more confusing and upsetting for a child. But equally they will need a little time to prepare, ask questions, and say goodbye to their pet. We found that an hour before worked well for us.

2. If you’re using a book to help explain, read it first so you know what it’s going to say (and so you can have the chance to deal with it yourself first emotionally too). Don’t, for example, choose ‘Goodbye Mog’ if you don’t plan to get a kitten at some point in the future or you don’t wish to discuss ‘cat ghosts’ hanging around!

3. Be prepared for a lot of questions, and answering them honestly. I think if we had started glossing over things or making things up we would have ended up in a whole web of tangled craziness as there were a LOT of questions, and some unexpected ideas coming out as well. It’s also worth thinking about the impact this has on you as an adult – I wasn’t quite prepared myself for how emotionally draining it is to discuss the process in great detail for a long time, as well as dealing with my own grief.

4. Having small children at the vet to say goodbye might seem a bit strange to some people but it actually worked really well for us. Having been in the room during the process for my previous cat I wouldn’t recommend kids watching it happen, but it certainly seemed to help the kids understand the fact that Milo was gone and wasn’t coming back, to see her once she was dead.

5. Have a few stories and happy memories ready to share, and think about how you might remember your pet in the future. We don’t have a very big garden, for example, so we couldn’t bury Milo ourselves but we did agree with the kids that we will get a special plant in her memory that they can visit if they are feeling sad.

6. Think about the language you are using to explain, and useful phrases and ideas to help kids understand without causing them to have nightmares or phobias for the next few weeks or months. I was a bit hesitant about using ‘cat ghost’ but that’s how they chose to define what Milo has become in the end and whilst ‘ghost’ might sometimes have scary associations they seem to find it comforting. They’re looking forward to the ‘ghost’ teaching any new pets we get down the line how to be good pets for us!

7. Remember it is ok to cry and show emotion. We found that showing the Wee Man and Bubby D that we were sad helped them to express their sadness too.

Goodbye Milo, we all loved you and we miss you. I hope your ‘cat ghost’ is having fun, wherever it is!