The four year old’s guide to pregnancy

Warning: May not be entirely accurate according to current health professional advice, government guidelines, or the law.

Since he is already a big brother, and soon to become one again, the Wee Man has recently become an authority on pregnancy. From how babies happen to what to do once they come out, he has a whole range of advice to share – and here it is:

Making babies

If you want a baby, you have to find a Daddy to give you a seed. Daddies usually think three seeds is enough. If Daddies have more seeds, they need bigger cars.

If the Daddy comes from New Zealand, then the baby will come from New Zealand EVEN IF you aren’t in New Zealand. This is because the Mummy of the Daddy IS in New Zealand. So you can be from there even if you never go there (except you will go there because it is fun and it doesn’t have any tornadoes).

If you have a baby in your tummy, it might make you be sick, and you need to get a bucket. Or a bush. Or you can be sick on the floor too but then you have to clean it up. If someone else catches your sick, it means the sick is not because of the baby. So you can try seeing if people will catch your sick for you.

If you are sick and it is because of the baby, you can eat ‘sick biscuits’. If anyone else tries to eat the biscuits and they don’t have a baby they might be sick too so make sure you don’t eat them if you don’t have a baby in your tummy.

How to look after the baby in your tummy

Babies can’t eat any food because they only have marbles in their tummies. They can only have milk, so if the baby is awake you need to make sure you only have milk. Babies don’t like milk from cows, only from milk bumps. You can drink fizz when the baby is sleeping but if they wake up STOP DRINKING IT STRAIGHT AWAY. Also, this applies to ice cream.

Babies need to do wees but they can’t get them out, so they will tell you if they need a wee and you need to make sure you get their wee out as well as your own when you go to the toilet.

If you go to sleep, babies might sometimes have a party. They don’t have pass the parcel or musical chairs because there are no parcels or chairs in peoples tummies, but they do like spinning around a lot. This is because spinning around is very fun. They don’t even get too dizzy but sometimes they do get hiccups.

If you go on the underground, there is a special seat with a ‘baby in your tummy’ picture on, and you must sit on it even if other seats are available. THIS IS THE LAW. There is more than one seat with a picture so if someone with sticks comes as well you don’t need to fight them or be squashed.

Babies can hear so blowing raspberries at them is funny and they might try and kick you. They can’t really kick you though, because they’re upside down and they can’t see where you are.

The arrival of the baby

When the baby is ready to come out, you go to the hospital and they will take it out of your bottom.

Babies are so small that they can’t hold toothbrushes. This is why they don’t have teeth.

Babies need nappies because they always wet themselves. Also they can do poos. The poos make them stinky.

When the baby has come out of your tummy, if you go on the underground you must still use the special seat. This is because it is for people carrying babies out of their tummies too. AGAIN, THIS IS THE LAW.

If you are a little baby and you have a big brother, you are very lucky because you will know all about dinosaurs because big brothers know about dinosaurs and they will tell you. GRRR

The end (for now).



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