The Other Half’s guide to what not to say

Despite having been ‘The Other Half’ for several years now, the Other Half it seems still has not learned that there are some things he just should not say. Don’t get me wrong, he is a wonderful father and partner, and I feel very lucky to have him. But, I am overtired and hormonal, and so I am allowed some leeway.

So, here is The Other Half’s Guide to What Not To Say:

1. Take a chill pill

If such a pill were to exist, I would imagine that the ingredients would need to be as follows:

• four hours of additional uninterrupted sleep
• a warm relaxing bath
• a day of nutritious meals served at appropriate food eating times, and eaten whilst still hot
• a lovely massage for tired and aching feet, arms and back
• two hours of deep house cleansing by a trained professional who will do it properly
• chocolate and a glass of wine (the cure to many ills)

Sadly, I do not think anyone has found a way to harness these ingredients into pill form. Therefore, I cannot take one. Additionally, making such a statement is akin to saying to a small child having a tantrum ‘calm down’. It just makes them more enraged.

2. Did you know you’ve got a giant spot?

I already feel like a big fat smelly scruffy panda-eyed scarecrow reminiscent lump. I do not need added reminders of my general worn down appearance.

3. That’s not the way I would have made it (in reference to dinner)

Well. That’s because you didn’t. But please feel free to do so. In future I won’t bother using the little time I have managed to scrape together between tantrums, whining and howling; and planned activities to try and avoid the tantrums, whining and howling to provide a meal waiting on the table, if you do not appreciate it.

4. The baby needs feeding (Unless she actually does).

She doesn’t. It’s just that she’s a bit tired and wants some hugs and attention, and that detracts from iPhone viewing experience, so of course, feeding being the one thing that only I can do, it’s a great excuse.

5. Why do you keep buying things we don’t need (such as a new packet of muslins)

Just because you have no idea what the ‘thing’ in question is, doesn’t mean we don’t need it. Baby ‘things’ may be a whole new alien world but when it solves a projectile vomiting problem at 3am, you won’t be complaining then. (Although that may also be because you’ll be snoring while I solve the problem anyway).

And now, because I’ve been taught that you should never moan about a problem without offering potential solutions, here is The Other Half’s Guide to What I’d Love To Hear You Say:

1. You’re looking lovely today.

It may be a lie, but say it anyway.

2. I’ll take the kids for an hour while you go and have a bath

Self-explanatory.

3. I’ve ordered us a takeaway.

This is better than saying ‘I’ll make dinner’ because although I appreciate dinner being made, it does seem to involve using EVERY pot and pan we own. Which then means I’d need to hear the following:

4. I’ll load the dishwasher and give the kitchen a clean.

Also self-explanatory.

5. I love you. 

We tend to get lost in making sure that the kids have what they need, and neglect making time for each other. So hearing those three words always makes things that little bit better.

What things does your significant other say that you wish they didn’t? And what would you like to hear instead?